Actual Lines from Resumes

I am very detail-oreinted.

My intensity and focus are at inordinately high levels, and my ability to complete projects on time is unspeakable.

Thank you for your consideration. Hope to hear from you shorty!

Enclosed is a ruff draft of my resume.

It's best for employers that I not work with people.

Here are my qualifications for you to overlook.

I am a quick leaner, dependable, and motivated.

If this resume doesn't blow your hat off, then please return it in the enclosed envelope.

My fortune cookie said, "Your next interview will result in a job." And I like your company in particular.

You hold in your hands the resume of a truly outstanding candidate!

I saw your ad on the information highway, and I came to a screeching halt.

Insufficient writing skills, thought processes have slowed down some. If I am not one of the best, I will look for another opportunity.

Please disregard the attached resume -- it is terribly out of date.

test my mind and body, since the two are usually inseparable.

Reason for leaving last job: The owner gave new meaning to the word paranoia.

I prefer to elaborate privately.

Previous experience: Self-employed--a fiasco.

Exposure to German for two years, but many words are inappropriate for business.

My experience in horticulture is well-rooted.

Experience: Watered, groomed, and fed the family dog for years.

I am a rabid typist.

Education: College, August 1880 - May 1984.

I have a bachelorette degree in computers.

Excellent memory; strong math aptitude; excellent memory; effective management skills; and very good at math.

Graduated in the top 66% of my class.

Accomplishments: Completed 11 years of high school.

Strengths: Ability to meet deadlines while maintaining composer.

Special skills: Experienced with numerous office machines and can make great lattes.

I worked as a Corporate Lesion.

Special Skills: Speak English.

Served as assistant sore manager.

Reason for leaving last job: Pushed aside so the vice president's girlfriend could steal my job.

Married, eight children. Prefer frequent travel.

Education: B.A. in Loberal Arts.

Objective: To have my skills and ethics challenged on a daily basis

Murphy down to an equation

Here is the equation:

((U+C+I) x (10-S))/20 x A x 1/(1-sin(F/10))

Or if your rather see it this way:

(U+C+I)(10-S)       A
------------- x ----------
     20        1-sin(F/10)

So what does this mean and how to use it? Here is what each letter means:

U - Urgency
C - Complexity
I - Importance
S - Skill
F - Frequency
A - Aggravation

Each of the above is measured from a scale of 1 to 9 except A which is a constant 0.7; A was found after numerous polling to prove Murphy's Law exists. The closer it is to 10, the more likely Murphy's law will strike. So if you want a percentage, mulitply the result by 10%. Here is the equation in steps.

1) Add the Urgency, Complexity, and Importance together.
2) Take 10 and subtract your Skill.
3) Multiply (1) and (2) together then divide by 20.
4) Take the Frequency score, showing how often you do this, and divide by 10.
5) Find the sine of (4) and subtract that from 1.
6) Take (3) times 0.7 and divide by (5).

Lets use an example: me needing to go to the bathroom in a crowded room.

Urgency: extremely time sensitive, so its a 9.
Complexity: getting through without letting it out? HA! 9.
Importance: well, considering this is all I can think about, 9.
Skill: I am an introvert, for crying out loud. 3.
Frequency: Not too often, thank God! 3.

1) U+C+I = 27
2) 10-S = 7
3) 27 x 7 / 20 = 9.45
4) F/10 = 0.3
5) 1 - sin 0.3 = 0.7044
6) 9.45 x 0.7 / 0.7044 = 9.391

Hmm... very likely I will soil it, eh? 93.9% chance. I ran it through the worst case scenario and come up with approx 39. Out of a scale of 10? Wha?!? Tell me what you think of it and if it can be improved.

Beware The Second Half of March

=> Tehran is planning a nuclear weapons test before the Iranian New Year on March 20, 2006 says a group opposed to the regime in Tehran.

http://www.upi.com/InternationalIntelligence/view.php?StoryID=20060119-075725-6399r

=> On March 20, 2006, Iran is planning to open an International Oil Bourse (IOB, exchange) for the express purpose of trading oil priced in other currencies, including Euros.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Petroeuro

How this will effect the USA: http://news.goldseek.com/GoldSeek/1137510262.php

The Board of Governors of the Federal Reserve System will cease publication of 'the M3 monetary aggregate March 23.

=> Israeli elections are March 28. In addition, Sharon is rumored to warn Israel's armed forces to prepare for war against Iran late march.

http://www.timesonline.co.uk/article/0,,2089-1920074,00.html

=> US Midterm elections begin late March. A war with Iran won't be bad for the Republicans.

=> The IAEA has a report due for March on Iran.

=> The war in Iraq started March 2003

=> Some are reporting US has plans to invade Iran before Bush's term ends

http://www.informationclearinghouse.info/article10441.htm

Spiral down to war?

The Danish cartoons, I think, is proof that a far larger traditional, political, and cultural war between Islam and the west is coming. In case you haven't seen them:

http://face-of-muhammed.blogspot.com/

Iran, the most vocal anti-Israel nation, promise to do something similar for the Holocaust.

http://english.aljazeera.net/NR/exeres/FCE073DD-7F1B-4714-95F0-DD1F354F1D9A.htm

Again, I doubt war will break out until Israel pullout is finished.

For those of you who are not familiar with Islam and wondering why, though some are sacrilegious against Islam, the others are too, the Prophet may not be displayed in public places, not to mention caricaturized. As for overreacting, before 9/11 the Middle East was not talk about much as it is now and only now have our two cultures clashing together. We are ignorant of them as they are ignorant of us. When I hear, "What if someone did this with Jesus", I tell them it HAS happened. The movie The Last Temptation of Christ to the recent Book of Daniel which exploded in NBC's face.

http://news.yahoo.com/s/nm/20060125/tv_nm/leisure_daniel_dc

The only difference is how to use the right way how to use the freedom of speech. Hint: Calling in bomb threats isn't a right. Boycotts are. My opinion, both those Danish and those setting fire to embassies are crazy and immature.