My Take on the Hitchhiker Movie

Before walking in, I knew that every incarnation of Hitchhiker has its differences and even contradictions, and knew some of that which to expect from IMDB and other internet resources devoted to the series and/or Douglas Adams. For example, my awareness that there will be an expanded romantic subplot between Authur Dent and Trillian and how dolphins will play a role in this film could have implementations for potential sequels. In the later novels, Authur has a romantic subplot with a woman who discovers God left a hidden message to his creation, and the dolphins implement a Save the Humans campaign. Hence, no sequel or such of a different tangent, books 3-5 will be impossible. Perhaps do Restaurant at the End of the Universe - book 2 - and leave it at that.

The other thing that need to be understood before seeing this movie, I think, is the difference between fans of Adams and fans of Hitchhiker. I never meet the guy, but know enough about him from other sources to know that he is an agnostic environmentalist who rather just live a carefree life while enjoying planet earth. The captain of the Golgafrincham's B Ark and the leader of the universe perhaps most reflect the man. Fans of Hitchhiker, in comparison, like the story itself, its mix of comedy, most of which is filled with witty dialogue, and sci-fi. The movie is more like Adams and less like typical Hitchhiker. And those hitchies who only like one version of it, "I like the radio series and THAT'S IT", will hate it before they even see it.

I fall in-between, leaning more to the hitchies. I knew much of the witty dialogue will be missing and seen in the trailers some physical humor which got me concerned the most. Slapstick comedy is only funny to a certain point for me. One preview I saw resembled Magrathea in the mini-series showing the characters being slapped on the face by something. That is what I was most afraid of. I suspected they replaced the lines in which Authur expressed fascination on being on an alien world while Ford said, "I rather be in cat litter", with that scene.

Anyway, I walked in the theater with a blue towel over my shoulder. They didn't award me with anything like a Marvin figurine... I want a Marvin figurine... since I had a towel. No one else had a towel either. Talk about a major disappointment. Instead everyone was eating popcorn while waiting for the movie to begin. Someone should write a H2G2 segment on this. Too bad Adams is gone.

Saw several good trailers. Tim Burton tries what he did with The Nightmare Before Christmas again with Johnny Depp, who stars in two of his other movies, with Corpse Bride. Fans of Jumanji will be happy with a psudo-sequal Zathana (misspelled... hey, the theater was dark!) Some movie called Sharkboy and Lavagirl by the creators of Spy Kids (no thanks). The one that attracted me the most is Herbie: Fully Loaded. Then there is Chicken Little. I don't want to see that. Why? THEY TOOK THE TEASER TRAILER OF HITCHHIKER AND USED IT AS THEIR OWN!!!! I hate Disney! The company, not the man.

Okay, the movie. Note that there is some minor spoilers for those who are not familiar with Hitchhiker. Then there is some parts that are *really* spoilerish for those who are! I'll note them so you can skip to the next paragraph if you want to avoid them.

After the opening dolphin sequence I heard so much about, with the traditional opening credits playing (irked about the fact I didn't heard Eagles Journey of the Sorcerer with the title on screen, but maybe...), the pace went into hyperdrive. Yes, the bulldozer scene was compressed, but the purpose was there and the missing dialogue went by without upsetting me. Too busy laughing! And no digital watch. One new thing that was appropriate and speed it up was Ford having a grocery cart full of beer and peanuts and use it to postpone Author's house demolition.

If your a hitchie, you know why beer and peanuts were used, and it wasn't explained in the film. Oh how newbies will miss so much! There is a HUGE number of inside jokes, like with Zaphod nearly called Ford Ix. Another thing is Marvin's voice is higher pitched. I like his new body, but a manic depressed personality should have it lower pitched, I think. Minor, I know. Same can be said about Deep Thought. The radio and miniseries Deep Thought had a DEEP male voice. In the movie, high pitched female.

Some of the changes though were for the better. The Vogons are MUCH better and plays a huge role in the movie. I did like the old "Resistance is useless!" and Vogon poetry. But the new things far out way those two complaints.

In fact, there was one thing missing in the miniseries that was put back in for the movie. The fact Zaphod had to cut his brain in half so he can have two heads! The subplot concerning this, found in the book, is replaced so he has a motivating factor to go to Magrathea. This also served another purpose....

SPOILER ALERT!!!! Skip the next paragraph, if you don't want to know the brand-smacking new second act!

Let me back peddle. They shown Zaphod's opponent briefly during the newscast of the president stealing The Heart of Gold. One of Adams satires deals with people who want power are by there very nature least qualified to have it. Later they came across the home planet of his opponent, and reveals him to be the spiritual leader of a religion that worships the being who is believed to have blown out the entire universe out of his nose. I don't recall this being's name, but hitchies will know what I am talking about. Anyway, their nose-blowing leader takes one of Zaphod's heads as hostage till he delivers something to him. These scenes were freaky for a PG film. That subplot is never settled - and ought to be if there is a sequel - so Zaphod basically have half a brain for the rest of the film. Ford had to put a helmet on with a fruit juice thing on top and used lemon juice on it to help him think better. And I won't tell you what he had to get. Just too huge of a spoiler! If you really want to know, I'll tell you, and why it is so potentially spoilerish if I even hint at it.

Many of the jokes are hard to notice. I barely caught some of the funny dialogue and the sound of petunias is heard crashing off screen. There was another Hitchhiker segment near the end of the credits which everyone missed but me. I caught the original Marvin cameo, but not the original Authur. I also missed the word Belgium - the most profane word in the universe. Another inside joke: why the lengthy sequence following Author and Ford being rescued, where Ford became a penguin, is replaced by the two being a mattress for a few seconds. And if there WAS corndogs in the movie, I sure have missed it. Darn IMDB posters!

I forgot something... ... ... oh, the book's intro! They did it right after Earth was demolished! It was CLASSIC hitchhiker with Journey of the Sorcerer and done wonderfully! Man I felt alone in that theater. Think I was the only one who recognized that tune. The Restaurant at the End of the Universe was mentioned at the end, setting up the sequel. Lets wait and see. 3.5/4

Random Chess Openings

Warning! The following isn't tested! My greatest problem is not having anyone to play chess with, so.... One of the things I don't like about the game is that it always start the same. In a card game at least every new game seem different. So I decided to develop these rules. All you need is a deck of cards.

Divide them into three piles. The first one will be A-8 of spades, the K and Q of spades, and the 9, 10, and J of spades and clubs, for a total of 16 cards. The other pile is made up of a similar pile, containing the entire suits of hearts and the 9, 10, J of diamonds. All the other cards, the third pile, is unused.

The game begins with no pieces on the board. White uses the red cards, black uses the black ones. Each shuffle their own pile and let their opponent cut them. White then draws his first card. If it is an A-8, he may place a pawn on rank 1. 9 will be a bishop, 10 a rook, J a knight, Q the queen, and K the king. A pawn can move forward 2 squares while on rank 1 only. En passent then can actually be used on a promoting pawn! The drawn card is placed on the third pile. Black does the same.

The one problem I see with this is managing plays on the board with pieces going on the board. If there is 1-2 pieces on the first rank, you MUST draw a card. If there is 6-8 pieces, you MUST move. 3-5, you have a choice to choose whether to move or to draw.

Feedback welcomed!

I thought this was supposed to be a blind date!

I started out the day doing what I usually do: answering my e-mails. I had a little lag the last two weeks, but I didn't mind since I was in process of changing jobs. So the letters were a welcome, although they all had one thing in common. This blind date. After cleaning my car up, my newest one sent me yet another e-mail, asking if it is okay if she calls me. She lived inside the USA, so I didn't mind and left my number to her; she is a married Wisconsin woman, 30s.

Right after this, I left to scout out where Diana's house (she is the matchmaker) is so I will know where to go when the time comes. Then I went to Wallmart and answered a voicemail from my Wisconsin e-pal. She didn't really seemed to have much to say. Guess she was just curious what was going to happen and to wish me luck.

My plan is to call Erica, my B.D., at 3. Almost all of the movies that are on falls between 4 and 5. That should leave some time to talk. Then I will do what I rather do, just go to a restaurant and actually get to know her and vice versa. I wonder if Erica REALLY does want to see a movie or if it was Diana _____ herself onto Erica. (Can't think of the word. When Person A gives one of his traits to Person B, who in reality doesn't have that trait)

Right now I am leaning towards "Guess Who". Most of the other movies are CRAP, and the only one that isn't is an R-rated film noir film who got a 8 point something rating on IMDB (Sin City), and The Ring 2 has an element that offends me although I really enjoy the original. All of the other movies had 5 point something ratings except Robots which was 6 point something.

It is now 2:35. Bathroom then call then God-knows-what.

***************

Well, I just called her. She said she had to go home to get dressed and will be back at Diana's house at 5. AUGH!!! That means we will miss the ideal time for the movie!

Please say a meal by itself will be all right! Lets see... the next time that movie is on is 7:20. Bah! I'll call Diana at 4:30. I wonder if this is common for two people each going on their first date ever. *hmph* Couldn't set a time when we decided to do this till now since scheduled times change.

***************

Something occurred to me while I am sorting yesterday's laundry I washed. You know the stereotype that women want to make sure they look good while men say, "Who @#$%^&* cares! You look good as you are!" Yep. True! To my e-pals who are both thinkers and women themselves... is this true for you all too?

I wish she had an e-addy.

***************

I called Diana at 4:30 a moment ago just to talk and to get some exchange with her while waiting and guess what? She gave me to Erica. AUGH! KNOCK ME OUT NOW!!! PLEASE!!!!! I thought Erica said she herself was getting her clothes, not someone getting it for her! Here I was hoping to talk just to Diana without Erica listening in. Bah!

(too many explanation points, I know)

[Brian walks around in circles and comes back]

4:50. This is killing me. Erica said she will call at 5. That means I won't see her till, maybe, 5:15. I'm crying now. ... ... ... 4:55... still crying... ... ... Hmm, we can cuddle in the theater but not in a restaurant. Just an observation! ... ... ... Of course I RATHER cuddle while watching a DVD! ... ... ... parents might not allow it though... ... ... 4:59... ... ... FIVE!!!

Can't go online. Wonder if anything is good on TV. Hopefully a good Poirot movie on Biography. I think I'll give her till six. Hey, that is a full hour! Then, if no call, I'll go online and blog this and maybe I'll call/IM my Wisconsin e-pal.

... ... ... 5:10! I just *WUV* being stood up! ... ... ... Just thought of something else. Since Diana doesn't know how I act around women nor know how I pick and choose potential mates, she may not know how easy it is for me to 'cut myself off emotionally' from someone who I decide to be incompatible. Never experienced an actual romantic form of love... ... ... 5:20. I think I am going to leave now to walk in circles again.

***************

SIX! Typing this out while I am dialing online. Yo, Spaniard! I am still in the singles club!

... ... ...

OH CRAP! Blogger isn't working! *sigh* Guess I'll e-mail this and then blog it latter.

***************

ADDENDUM: Just got word from mom on what happened. Erica came by when Diana's family was going to pick her up. She fell asleep! Oh, and she smokes! Oh! And her father pregnanted two different women and married to neither!!!

Can you say run?!?

Wife 1.0 Just Released

Dear Tech Support,

A long time ago I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of new space and valuable resources. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure.

In addition, Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and launches during system initialization, where it monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Drunken Boys
Night 2.5 and Saturday Football 5.0 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected.

I cannot seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run some of my other favorite applications. I am thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the uninstall does not work on this program.

Can you please help me !!!???

Thanks,
A TROUBLED USER

Dear TROUBLED USER,

This is a very common problem, but is mostly due to a primary misconception. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 with the idea that Wife 1.0 is merely a Utilities & Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an Operating System and designed by its creator to run everything.

It is unlikely you would be able to purge Wife 1.0 and still convert back to Girlfriend 7.0. Hidden operating files within your system would cause Girlfriend 7.0 to emulate Wife 1.0 so nothing is gained. It is impossible to uninstall, delete, or purge the program files from the system once installed. You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this.

Some have tried to install Girlfriend 8.0 or Wife 2.0 but end up with more problems than the original system. Look in your manual under "Warnings- Alimony/Child support". We recommend you keep Wife 1.0.

We suggest installing background application program C:\YES DEAR to alleviate software augmentation. We also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Partnership Faults (GPFs). You must assume all responsibility for faults and problems that might occur, regardless of their cause. The best course of action will be to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE. In any case avoid excessive use of C:\YES DEAR because ultimately you may have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the operating system will return to normal. The system will run smoothly as long as you take the blame for all the GPFs.

Wife 1.0 is a program, but very high-maintenance. Consider buying additional software to improve the performance of Wife 1.0. We recommend Flowers 3.1 and Diamonds 2K. Do not, under any circumstances install Secretary with Short Skirt 3.3. This is not a supported application for Wife 1.0 and is likely to cause irreversible damage to the operating system.

Tech Support

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Last year a friend of mine upgraded GirlFriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0 and found that it's a memory hog leaving very little system resources for other applications. He is only now noticing that Wife 1.0 also is spawning child processes which are further consuming valuable resources.

No mention of this particular phenomena was included in the product brochure or the documentation, though other users have informed him that this is to be expected due to the nature of the application. Not only that, Wife 1.0 installs itself such that it is always launched at system initialisation where it can monitor all other system activity. He's finding that some applications such as PokerNight 10.3, BeerBash 2.5, and PubNight 7.0 are no longer able to run in the system at all,
crashing the system when selected even though they always worked fine before.

At installation, Wife 1.0 provides no option as to the installation of undesired Plug-Ins such as MotherInLaw 55.8 and BrotherInLaw Beta Release. Also, system performance seems to diminish with each passing day. Some features he'd like to see in the upcoming Wife 2.0.

- A "Don't remind me again" button
- Minimize button
- An install shield feature that allows Wife 2.0 be installed with the option to uninstall at anytime without the loss of cache and other system resources.
- An option to run the network driver in promiscuous mode which would allow the systems hardware probe feature to be much more useful.

I myself decided to avoid all of the headaches associated with Wife 1.0 by sticking with GirlFriend 2.0. Even here, however, I found many problems. Apparently you cannot install GirlFriend 2.0 on top of GirlFriend 1.0. You must uninstall GirlFriend 1.0 first. Other users say this is a long standing bug which I should have been aware of. Apparently the versions of GirlFriend have conflicts over shared use of the I/O port. You think they would have fixed such a stupid bug by now. To make matters worse, the uninstall program for GirlFriend 1.0 doesn't work very well leaving undesirable traces of the application in the system. Another thing that sucks - all versions of GirlFriend continually pop-up little annoying messages about the advantages of upgrading to Wife 1.0.

BUG WARNING
Wife 1.0 has an undocumented bug. If you try to install Mistress 1.1 before uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files before doing the uninstall itself. Then Mistress 1.1 will refuse to install, claiming insufficient resources.

WORK-AROUNDS
To avoid the above bug, try installing Mistress 1.1 on a different system and never run any file transfer applications such as Laplink 6.0. Also, beware of similar shareware applications that have been known to carry viruses that may affect Wife 1.0. Another solution would be to run Mistress 1.1 via a Usenet provider under an anonymous name. Here again, beware of the viruses which can accidently be downloaded from the Usenet.

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Seems like the only solution to Wife 1.0 is to install Divorce 1.0. This is a radical package however it will erradicate Wife 1.0... at least partcially. And you usually get most of your resources back.

Divorce 1.0's installation process will remove Wife 1.0, preparing you to install any of GirlFriend 2.0, Mistress 1.2 (new version!) or Wife 2.0 (if you want). Unfortunately if Wife 1.0 (or any of the other products mentioned) have spawned child processes then things get more complex. Usually the child processes take up less processing power and they surface from time to time, but you're often glad to see them. Unfortunately the child processes tend to remind you of the package from whence they came and sometimes you have to interact with Wife 1.0 or GirlFriend 1.0, but usually these things can be dismissed fairly easily.

As Divorce 1.0 needs to uninstall Wife 1.0 it carries all the caveats that uninstalling Wife 1.0 has. Usually you are left with about 1/2 of the resources you started with before installing Wife 1.0.

If you have already upgraded to Wife 2.0 then you'll need to get Divorce 2.0.

Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0

Dear Tech Support:

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a slowdown in the performance of the flower and jewelry applications that had operated flawlessly under the Boyfriend 5.0 system.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.9, and installed undesirable programs such as NFL 7.4, NBA 3.2 and NHL 4.1.

Conversation 8.0 also no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.

I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.

What can I do?

Signed,
Desperate

Dear Desperate:

This is a very common problem women complain about, but it is mostly due to a primary misconception. Many people upgrade from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 with no idea that Boyfriend 5.0 is merely an ENTERTAINMENT package.

However, Husband 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and was designed by its creator to run as few applications as possible. Further, you cannot purge Husband 1.0 and return to Boyfriend 5.0, because Husband 1.0 is not designed to do this.

Hidden operating files within your system would cause Boyfriend 5.0 to emulate Husband 1.0, so nothing is gained. It is impossible to uninstall, delete, or purge the program files from the system, once installed

Any new program files can only be installed once per year, as Husband 1.0 has severely limited memory. Error messages are common, and a normal part of Husband 1.0.

In desperation to play some of their "old time" favorite applications, or to get new applications to work, some women have tried to install Boyfriend 6.0, or Husband 2.0. However, these women end up with more problems than encountered with Husband 1.0. Look in your manual under "Warnings: Divorce/Child Support." You will notice that this program runs very poorly, and comes bundled with HeartBreak 1.3.

I recommend you keep Husband 1.0, and just learn the quirks of this strange and illogical system. Having Husband 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Partnership Faults [GPFs]. This is a wonderful feature of Husband 1.0, secretly installed by the parent company as an integral part of the operating system. Husband 1.0 must assume ALL responsibility for ALL faults and problems, regardless of root cause. To activate this great feature enter the command "C: I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME". Sometimes Tears 6.2 must be run simultaneously while entering the command. Husband 1.0 should then run the applications Apologize 12.3 and Flowers/Chocolates 7.8.

TECH TIP!

Avoid excessive use of this feature. Overuse can create additional and more serious GPFs, and ultimately YOU may have to give a C: I APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal operations. Overuse can also cause Husband 1.0 to default to GrumpySilence 2.5, or worse yet, to Beer 6.0. Beer 6.0 is a very bad program that causes Husband 1.0 to create FatBelly files and SnoringLoudly wave files that are very hard to delete. Save yourself some trouble by following this tech tip! Just remember! The system will run smoothly, and take the blame for all GPFs, but because of this fine feature it can only intermittently run all the applications Boyfriend 5.0 ran.

Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot accept new applications quickly. Consider buying additional software to improve performance. I personally recommend HotFood 3.0, Lingerie 5.3 and Patience 10.1. Used in conjunction, these utilities can really help keep Husband 1.0 running smoothly. After several years of use, Husband 1.0 will become familiar and you will find many valuable embedded features such as FixBrokenThings 2.1, Snuggling 4.2 and BestFriend 7.6.

A final word of caution! Do NOT, under any circumstances, install MotherInLaw 1.0. This is not a supported application, and will cause selective shutdown of the operating system. Husband 1.0 will run only Fishing 9.4 and Hunting 5.2 until MotherInLaw 1.0 is uninstalled. I hope these notes have helped. Thank you for choosing to install Husband 1.0 and we here at Tech Support wish you the best of luck in coming years. We trust you will learn to fully enjoy this product!